“Scrambled”

OK, so I’m sitting there, freezing my ass off, no clue where I’m at. It’s pitch black in there. And then I’m feeling around and realize, hey, I don’t have an ass. What the hell? And I don’t have hands either. Holy shit, now I’m really scared. I realize I’m sitting in this cup thing, it’s sort of cupping my not-ass, you know? Damn, if only I could see, I says. Wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I say that, bam! there’s so much light I’m freakin’ blind. I mean, damn, what was that, like a 100-watt or something? Before I can get my bearings, this thing grabs me. It’s like this claw from hell or something. But it’s warm, so I think, “Well, it can’t be all that bad.”

I’m carried to a new location. At least it’s not as cold here, I think. Maybe now that my brain’s not so frozen I’ll figure out what’s wrong. And then–and then, oh the agony. The pain. It hurts just thinking about it. The warm claw-thing picks me up again and slams me back down. Hard! It hurt so bad. “Why? Why must you do this to me?” I shriek. And let me tell you, I’m not the shrieking type.

My insides were leaking out. “Who would do such a thing?” I rave in anguish. Alas, no one was listening that day. And to make matters worse, the claw thing takes my insides and pours them all over a sheet of hot metal. I’m burning and sizzling and I can’t get away and then…the claw grabs…something—by this time the light is fading and can’t see what it is, but it looked like a flat sheet of metal—and scrambles my insides. It was the worst sort of cruelty. My last thought before my life faded away was that I was better off with my head up that chicken’s ass.